I woke up this morning around 6am feeling profoundly alone. A conversation last week with a friend of mine who lost his mom last year pretty much summed it up. When someone close passes, you are bombarded with phone calls from those who care for you and silence from those who aren’t so close. I guess they don’t know what to say. Initially, all you want is space to breathe, but you appreciate the closeness of others. Then one day you look up and realize that a week has passed and your phone hasn’t rang. And people returning your calls doesn’t count. What a lone and solitary road this grieving is.
I have noticed now that when I talk to people they may ask how I’m doing but not really want to know, the general consensus being that I should somehow be better or over it by now. I understand. I’ve been there with others whose grief just seemed to be consuming them. Now, I realize that I may actually be as alone as I feel. I’ve found any number of things to distract me, and I’ve come up with some whoppers for distractions, but at the end of the day, I am still an earthly fatherless child. I have many other-mothers and a living mom, but I only had one earthly father.
I am well aware that the majority of our grieving is for our own loss and not so much for the person who’s gone. I’m glad he has peace. What is left is the awesome feeling of, “What about me?!” I think of the title “Things We Lost in the Fire” and hope there are some things I lose in mine.
Admittedly, much of my conversation can be very self-absorbed because I’m trying to find a way to get out of living so much inside my own head while at the same time trying to deafen the silence of my grief by creating a verbal distraction. A paradox is mine.
My mom’s friends have closed ranks around her, and I really appreciate that. Many of them have lost their husbands and know how to meet her needs.
Many of my friends have not lost a parent to whom they are close, so they do not know how to meet my needs. Also, they are a part of the “me” generation and are at places in their lives where their focus is, at times, by necessity self-centered. That doesn’t mean they’re not “real” friends; it just means we go through seasons. Maybe this is my season to be alone, and the result is that I have lowered my expectations of a lot of people. Some I had low expectations of from the start. Others didn’t surprise me at all.
Today is just a lonely day. That’s all.
I lost my father just over 2 months ago in December 2009. My father meant the world to me, even as a married adult woman who moved away from home over 20 years ago. I adored my father endlessly.
Thank you for writing such a personal and moving entry on your blog. There is a verse in the bible that speaks of God offering comfort and peace to those that mourn, & so they that are comforted maybe able to reach out to someone else and offer comfort. Though I do not know you…. I feel you. May the peace of God and the blessings of life make each day a little less difficult to bear.
God Bless you..
Thank you for stopping by. You are welcome to come here anytime. I buried my father at the beginning of November 2008, so I’m < => right there with you. He still is my world, even as I try to figure out a world without him, a world where my future husband and future children may never know just how great he was. One thing loss does though is that it makes us hold on a little tighter and love a little harder those who are left behind.
Today, I am in a better space. I went to a group session for grief counseling on Saturday, and I no longer feel so all alone even though I am quite literally alone in this city. Anyway, you are not alone as I’ll be keeping you in my prayers as well. Peace.
Comment by Yollie B — February 23, 2009 @ 1:31 p
You are not alone, A. No, I haven’t lost a parent, but it’s coming up on a year since our family lost someone dear to us. You can talk to me anytime you want.
Thanks, P!! That is right. I know the one year mark can be very difficult as emotions are still rather raw. I’ll be praying for you. And I know it doesn’t take losing a parent to understand. One only need to have lost someone significantly close to you, but there is something unique about the bond between a mother and child in a healthy relationship. Go hug your parents the next time you go home!!
Comment by profunksticated — February 24, 2009 @ 1:31 p