Today I did a hard thing.
I’ve always believed that honesty is the best policy. I try as best I can to be tactfully honest with everyone as the need arises. That’s a part of my obedience to the golden rule because with honest care is how I choose to be treated. So I guess I owe you a scenario before I throw my question out there.
I met someone who was involved with someone else through their child. Well, I didn’t JUST meet him. We’ve known each other my whole life, so we more or less reconnected. He led me to believe he was at the end of his relationship. It quickly became apparent that they weren’t as close to the end as he thought they were, or at least she wasn’t willing to let him go, even after he told her about me. Very well. I know how to step, but I didn’t. He didn’t want to let go. Fine. I didn’t either because I really needed a friend.
Emotionally, we crossed the line into more than friends. In what he said was an attempt to end his current relationship, he did something very hurtful. I forgave him but emotionally began to disconnect. I’ve always told him that he should be completely honest with his child’s mother. It dawned on me today that I was not completely honest with him. I no longer felt the same way about him that I did initially when I was grieving and mourning and really needing a strong friend. I owe him for being there for me. I want us to remain friends. I thought the best way to do that was to be honest rather than continue to blow off his overtures at romance.
I finally told him that things had changed on my end and that even if he were free I’m not sure I’d be interested in a relationship. I love him dearly, find him attractive and all that, but I am not in love with him. I didn’t want to lead him on and give him false hope like I feel he is doing to his current person. He is telling her one thing but still remaining in the relationship hoping he can push her to break up. Why do men do that punk crap? Right now, he is hurting and doesn’t want to speak to me. Hopefully, he will change his mind and we can continue to be the friends we were meant to be. I understand that the ball is in his court because the whole purpose of being honest is to allow someone the opportunity to make the best choices for his own life with all the information at hand.
Anyway, I could have remained silent and let things run their course until he figured, “hey, she’s just not that into me!” But I thought that would be cruel and I hate having that done to me, so which is better? Do you prefer the passive “just let things die” approach, or do you prefer a straight shooter, no chaser?
To my friend:
My trust in you and my faith in us has been broken. You are in a position to be my friend. Hear what I’m telling you, and I pray to God that you will prove me wrong. You just aren’t in a position to do it right now, so until then, can we just be friends?
The direct, honest approach is best.
It may be best, but it hurts like hell. I’ve come to depend on his friendship. He was there for me when my father died, and now all I get is the silent treatment. I feel like I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Comment by profunksticated — January 23, 2009 @ 1:31 p
How are u? i don’t come here often, but today i decided to check on you, just want to let you know first, i think about you often, and pray your are going through all the neccesary grieving processes u need to.
Now, on the issue at hqand, ofcourse the direct approach is the best, but i will be the first to say, i can be a coward at times, esp when the guys is not as direct, i tend to do the action speak louder, but if i am dealing with someone who is direct, i tell them straight.
hope you and yur friend find a way back to how you were.
xS
Thank you soooo much for stopping by. I haven’t been on in a while, but I really needed a space to vent today. As you can see in my response to Pro, this isn’t easy.
Comment by Shazza — January 23, 2009 @ 1:31 p
If you owe him anything, it isn’t more than you’re willing or able to give.
This struck a chord with me because I dealt with a similar situation throughout much of last year. A woman who’d been there for me (in a major, major way) believed that I owed her a relationship even though I stopped liking her as a person, to say nothing of my waning physical attraction to her.
For better, we aren’t speaking any longer.
As for you and your friend, if it’s the case that you really were friends, he’ll be back once he’s done hurting.
Thank you. Sometimes it helps to hear from someone else what you know to be true. I really didn’t want to get to the point where I disliked or didn’t respect him as a person, so I did what I felt was best. Only time will tell if he was really my friend. I guess I can take myself off the hook for “owing” him because I do hope that what he has done has been out of kindness and not self-interest.
Comment by LH — January 26, 2009 @ 1:31 p
i’m all late in commenting but i’m all for open and direct honesty, with compassion. it won’t always produce a favorable result, but it is always more honorable than the dodgeball game, the fade and fizzle, or the leading of someone on.
I prefer someone being direct with me even when what has to be said may hurt like a second-class trip through hell: better to hurt now than later.
Comment by DflySoul — January 28, 2009 @ 1:31 p