Explain how you thought I was supposed to feel seeing you with someone else. I know what our agreement was, but still. What was I supposed to think, feel, do?? I’ve given everything to you and for you with only borrowed nights in between your other lovers in return. I thought I could handle this, but this is not working for me. I thought I could distance myself and balance the universe with other lovers of my own, but I don’t want multiple partners. I want you, and I want you to love me too. I want you to promise me the world even if it is not true. Lie to me if you have to d****t, but just tell me something that will make this all consuming pain go away. Give me back my air so I can breathe…
I realize that I no longer have self-respect. I have made myself your doormat and begged you to walk on me. You have become my god, and for that, I deserve to be sick. I guess letting you give me HIV was my fault. I knew what the deal was, but I thought letting you hit raw would be another way to keep you. Now, you won’t even talk to me, and it was you who infected me. Suddenly, the rest of my life feels a lot shorter, and I don’t have a lot of time to make things right, which is why I curse myself for still wanting you. Your cologne is still in my sheets. Your soap is still in my bath. Your slippers are still under my bed. The only thing missing is you. Why won’t you come back to me? What have I ever done to deserve this fate except not love myself enough?
I gave all my love to you and didn’t keep enough for me. I made you the most important thing in my life. In fact, I made you, period. I prepared your reports, picked out clothes for your presentations, ran your errands, cooked your food, sent gifts to all the right people, and I did so without regret–until now. What else could I have done to make you love me? What else can I do now when I have so little left to give?
If there is a place for you in hell, and I’m sure there is, at least maybe there we can rot together.
Folks, I am not a mistress. I am just trying out some material here. Does this woman interest you? Comment. Proceed.
Um, yeah this woman is interesting. Who is she if not you?
I occasionally try out snippets of fiction here and take it down later. This is fiction. I’m not sure if I’m feeling this chick and just wondered if she was someone who could get an audience involved. What’s interesting about her?
Comment by profunksticated — July 28, 2008 @ 1:31 p
Interesting…I think most women can relate to her… not necessarily by being the other woman, but by being with someone, who doesn’t give them that much attention, doesn’t reciprocate their feeling., doesn’t appreciate them as much as they do, they settle for scraps of his time, divided between, his boys, football, work, and whatever else guys get down to. Someone they’d die for, have given their all to… the bit about the guy’s soap still on the lady’s bed, and his scent, and slippers under her bed… every one who deals with lost love can relate to that. I for one find this interesting.
Okay, good. I can work with this.
Comment by Shazza — July 28, 2008 @ 1:31 p
I was sitting on the edge of my seat. I was really feeling her raw emotion. Great writing.
Cool. I think I’ll take this a bit farther and post more of her tomorrow. What made you want to know more?
Comment by Diva — July 28, 2008 @ 1:31 p
Brava.
I thought this was definitely raw, and how bad things can get when women give up everything to try and get a man to love them who obviously doesn’t. I’d read more, for sure.
Thanks!! I’ve written Part 2 and haven’t posted it yet. I’ve got to get around to that.
Comment by Brownngirl — August 6, 2008 @ 1:31 p