Days of My Life

Explain how you thought I was supposed to feel seeing you with someone else. I know what our agreement was, but still. What was I supposed to think, feel, do?? I’ve given everything to you and for you with only borrowed nights in between your other lovers in return. I thought I could handle this, but this is not working for me. I thought I could distance myself and balance the universe with other lovers of my own, but I don’t want multiple partners. I want you, and I want you to love me too. I want you to promise me the world even if it is not true. Lie to me if you have to d****t, but just tell me something that will make this all consuming pain go away. Give me back my air so I can breathe…

I realize that I no longer have self-respect. I have made myself your doormat and begged you to walk on me. You have become my god, and for that, I deserve to be sick. I guess letting you give me HIV was my fault. I knew what the deal was, but I thought letting you hit raw would be another way to keep you. Now, you won’t even talk to me, and it was you who infected me. Suddenly, the rest of my life feels a lot shorter, and I don’t have a lot of time to make things right, which is why I curse myself for still wanting you. Your cologne is still in my sheets. Your soap is still in my bath. Your slippers are still under my bed. The only thing missing is you. Why won’t you come back to me? What have I ever done to deserve this fate except not love myself enough?

I gave all my love to you and didn’t keep enough for me. I made you the most important thing in my life. In fact, I made you, period. I prepared your reports, picked out clothes for your presentations, ran your errands, cooked your food, sent gifts to all the right people, and I did so without regret–until now. What else could I have done to make you love me? What else can I do now when I have so little left to give?

If there is a place for you in hell, and I’m sure there is, at least maybe there we can rot together.

Folks, I am not a mistress. I am just trying out some material here. Does this woman interest you? Comment. Proceed.

I have a post coming soon. I’m just trying to catch up with life—that means bills, work, and such.

The hospital does provide some good blog fodder. Anyway, Dad is hanging in there and giving folks the devil. He told the nurse yesterday that when he leaves he’s not coming back. If he gets sick again, he’s just going on to heaven. I laughed at the shocked look on her face. He’s a trip.

I had a rough day, but I’m rebounding, and I’ll be back. SOON. Maybe even later on today. Promise.

Thanks for the prayers and well wishes.

As for the gift, I decided to go with what I made. In fact, I have to finish making it.

Just a few things in case I forget.

What do you think of Obama’s international tour?

How about Soledad O’Brien’s Being Black in America? (It will air again tomorrow and Sunday nights at 8pm EST.)

Did this sudden drop in gas prices fool soothe you?

Let’s catch up on politics for a bit, and I’ll be back to check on you.

I was taught when things go from bad to worse you pray harder. I’m praying now. My father needs an absolute miracle to be here much longer. My mother is preparing for the worst. I am just preparing.

My dad is such a fighter that he refuses to discuss dying. He’s only interested in living and will entertain no depressing talk. He has taught me more about faith than anyone I know, and that’s amazing considering that for a long time he did not believe. He is adamant that he will one day be walking again and not have any of the problems that confront him now. If attitude counts for anything at all, he is heads and shoulders above the rest.

This is my therapy. Right here. When you see the title “Therapy Session,” that is a clue to my subject matter. If this hits too close to home or depresses you, then you see the title and move on. I should warn you though that even at my worst moments I tend to find rainbows in storm clouds, so what you think may depress you may actually lift you up.

Today, please, on my behalf, rather than solicit your prayers (which we need), I ask that you contact someone you love who may or may not love you and let them know how special they are to you and how special they are in God’s eyes. Please, spread a little love for me.

I’m out.

Help me out. What is an ideal gift for a man with whom you are not intimate but really close friends?

I already have something I’ve made and something I’ve written, but I need a something I’ve bought to complete this very special gift. He is celebrating an extraordinary professional accomplishment, and I want something useful and personal. I think the first two cover personal.

I’ve narrowed my ideas down to the following based on our conversations :

-a dress shirt and tie
-a french-cut shirt, tie and/or cuff links
-polo or golf shirt(s)
-business card case.

Another option is to make something else. I’m extremely creative. He loves pictures, so I thought of making a movie out of some pictures I have of him, but I’m not sure I have enough to pull that off. We’ll see though. I actually have a picture of he and his male family members that I could get framed for his office. I don’t know. I just don’t know. We’ll do some more celebrating throughout the year in other ways, but for the actual day I just want to give him things that will mean something personal to him.

Feel free to post links, pictures, and suggest stores. I have roughly a week to make this happen, so ordering something may be out of the question. This is for the young man from “I Hope He Knows,” so this has to be special. I heart him mucho.

What are your favorite male gift ideas? What is the best gift you’ve ever received? Do guys appreciate flowers? Be good readers and please give me input, okay? OOOOOkay.

So Jesse’s use of the n-word somehow got leaked, and this is the same J.J. who was a proponent of burying the said n-word.

What say you ladies and gentlemen of the jury?

Does J.J. get a pass? Is the word alright for private but not public? Does the word maintain its “for use by Black folks only” status? What gives?

Please, weigh in.