I like kisses. What am I saying? I love kisses, but I’m a strange bird, and the older I get, the stranger. As much as I like kissing, I won’t kiss just anyone. I think it’s just as, if not more, intimate than intercourse, so there’s no way I’m kissing Joe Schmoe. As a celibate person, I can do alright without the sex, but I do miss kissing. There’s an art to it that few appreciate, and I like it!!! In order for me to kiss someone at this point, we would have to be a whole lot more than friends. He would have to know that soft kisses are way more sexy than someone trying to ram a tongue and swab my tonsils (ugh!). Again, he has to be more than a friend because friends with benefits has long ago played out for me. No fringe bennies without earning them–and it costs to be the boss; that requires a serious commitment. I’m going somewhere with this, so just bear with me.
As much as I like kissing, I require exclusivity. The type of exclusivity I desire can only be found in a relationship. In order for me to have the kind of relationship I want, I have to become vulnerable. In being vulnerable, I also have to be able to accept someone else’s vulnerabilities. That is going to require sacrifice, and am I ready for that? I’m using “I,” but I mean this generally. Most of us want intimacy and a real relationship with someone without realizing that to have that will be just like asking God for patience; you’re aided in the lesson by experiencing situations that will teach you what you say you want.
So, you say you want a relationship and you want whom God has for you. In anticipation, you believe that as long as the person is God-sent, you can deal with whatever comes. Can you really? If you don’t rush and circumvent the preparation process, you may be ready, but you won’t know until the rubber hits the road. What if you meet the person God has for you, and s/he meets all of your requirements, but the person has some past issues, maybe family or past relationship abuse, that has left him/her emotionally damaged? How vulnerable, how understanding, how patient are you willing to be then? Most of us like to think that we’d be the uber supportive significant other, but the truth is that we really don’t know until we’re in the trenches with someone whose issues may run deep. Can you listen to him tell you about past loves in intimate detail and not judge or get jealous? Can you hold her while she tells you about the sorry excuse who violated her or the time that she may have violated someone else? I know we all want to say yes, but to desire the type of relationship that leads to marriage requires real intimacy, real honesty, real understanding, and real forgiveness. God-centered relationships are not for cowards or the faint of heart.
So, I like kissing, and I desire a serious relationship. Am I ready to be emotionally naked and not ashamed? Am I ready to share the details of things I find most shameful? Am I ready to hear and carry in my heart to the altar someone else’s fears, shame, and vulnerability? Can I allow my Superman to let me hold his kryptonite and I not use it against him? Can he trust me with his hurts and shame and I not betray that trust with my girls or my mother? Am I ready to be all sorts of vulnerable and trust someone again without any guarantee that he won’t flake other than my faith that God leads me? My faith in God alone should be enough to secure me, shouldn’t it, but what if “my” ideal is only a part of the path to lead me to God’s ideal and that path demands a little pain? Am I still ready then? Can I accept that each failed relationship is part of a divine design (and not an emotional stop sign) to bring me closer to my destination with the necessary lessons in tow that will help me support my God-sent mate? Can I really handle all of that just to be able to kiss and tell of the grace of God that brought me there?
These are real questions and this is real talk. To be honest, some of it kind of scares me a bit like walking around in an upscale mall with no clothes on. That’s the kind of honesty that’s meant.
I was made to love someone special, someone chosen, someone handpicked by God. I believe I have ample desire, but I may not be as ready as I want to be.
look at you making us meditate first thing in the morn!
you know, these are the things that scare the pants off me when i think of being married. i want to be married and have a family so much. but when i think of the concept of accepting him totally - past, present, and future- that is SCARY. because you just never know what your spouse is bringing.
i say that i know i’ll endure the hardships if i know he was sent by God without doubt. and i mean that, meaning i won’t leave - BUT i don’t know how i’ll handle all the sticky, hard stuff. there has to be such a deep deep love and concern for each other, so much that it covers history, it covers failures, it covers mistakes (just like how God loves us).
likewise, i fear revealing myself to my future “him” as well. dragonfly has a story to tell - a story that most people have never read, except me and Jesus. am i ready to open those pages and let my “him” read me? will he still love me?
i pray so much that no matter what he brings, who he is, or what he’s done, that my love will embrace and accept him, and never think any less of him. i want him to feel safe in my arms. i want him to know that he is worthy of love and respect no matter how far he’s fallen. i once read that a lot of times, when we seek to marry, we look for what that person can do for US; instead we need to ask ourselves what can we do for THEM - what can we give to them, who can we be for them?
i too, love to be kissed
and won’t just kiss anyone. kisses are indeed intimate and special and until i know we’re going somewhere serious, he won’t get the optimum pleasure of kissing this dragonflysoul! 
and can i just say that i LOL’d HARD at “He would have to know that soft kisses are way more sexy than someone trying to ram a tongue and swab my tonsils (ugh!)”
all i will say to that is EXACTLY!!!
I know we were separated at birth even despite a couple years age difference. You completely understand, and it’s the what you can do for him part that becomes so scary. Like you, I know I won’t leave, but the staying will certainly bring me closer to God and ultimately him. A pastor friend once told me that people are afraid to show who they really are because once you’ve shown someone that and they reject you, you have nothing else left to give. That really sums up the fear of vulnerability, so I know my relationship will have to be spirit-led. I may not know whether I can trust him, but I know I can trust God, so if God says he’s safe, then safe he is, come what may. There’s so much self-work to do when you’re single. I know I will have a successful marriage without any doubts. I’ve taken the time to allow God to process me until I become the A he wants me to be. I feel the winds of change, Dragonfly. Don’t know where they’re going to blow me, but I feel them just the same.
Comment by dragonflysoul — April 25, 2008 @ 1:31 p
Gosh… u hit the nerve right there… in the past few days, i have been thinking of relationships, and what it is i really want…and being a hopeless romantic and in need of deep connection, i came to the realisation that i cannot settle for any less. I need to look into his eyes, and see the divine in him…that is the only way i can ever love… and if i can’t find that one… i am prepared to ride it on my own
It is so much more than just a physical being i want, i want to love his soul, spirit…
If i were to put it in one sentence, that could describe my ideal mate… i need someone to tell me ‘ i’ll hold your hand, to the bitter ends’ and mean it.
Equally, i need to be able to surrender all of me, i want to honour the divine in him… hold his hand even when it hurts, and wipe away the tears from all the hardship he has endured…i too come with my own baggage… and i cannot afford to be judged, i just want to be loved, i want love to erase all the past bad experiences. equally, i want to love him the same way.
and i like the fact that, u raised the question that, r we prepared to be that vulnerable, knowing that, he might not live up to it, and might hurt us in the process… and i think of Iyanla Vanzan’t ‘In the Meantime’, because the only way to keep trying and opening up, is to reach a point where u learn to love them, unconditionally and act from a point of love above anything, and never blame anyone for what you believe they put you through… it is very hard to do this. but i had a lot of practice, hence today i still talk and laugh with an ex who cheated on me and i hurt months and months… because i got to a point where, i realised that he didn’t really set out to do all these things to me…and i love him still, after all that.
I think what is comforting for me, is the knowledge that, either i or my devine partner is still going through his meantime. Until then, i will have to trust the devine in me, to guide me and constantly remind me to operate from a point of love, UNCONDITIONALY… irregardless of how bad he might treat me!
You really dropped some knowledge here. What we’re all talking about is the God kind of love, and it really is a process of two going through their meantimes simultaneously. When you really think about I Corinthians 13, that’s some serious stuff that will make you have to read again and again. A love that forgive all things? That’s some serious unconditional loving going on. The fact that you can still laugh with an ex who hurt you so deeply speaks volumes to your great capacity to love. That’s a gift that not everyone has because it really requires being secure in who you are and who you’ve been created to be.
This is such an interesting journey, this thing called life. I’m glad we get to witness one another walk through it. I can’t wait to see what’s around the bend for we who love so strongly and so deeply.
Comment by Shazza — April 26, 2008 @ 1:31 p
you and your comments make me laugh so much. i just had to tell you that
hope you’re doing well and still resting comfortably!
Comment by dragonflysoul — April 30, 2008 @ 1:31 p