Days of My Life

I like kisses. What am I saying? I love kisses, but I’m a strange bird, and the older I get, the stranger. As much as I like kissing, I won’t kiss just anyone. I think it’s just as, if not more, intimate than intercourse, so there’s no way I’m kissing Joe Schmoe. As a celibate person, I can do alright without the sex, but I do miss kissing. There’s an art to it that few appreciate, and I like it!!! In order for me to kiss someone at this point, we would have to be a whole lot more than friends. He would have to know that soft kisses are way more sexy than someone trying to ram a tongue and swab my tonsils (ugh!). Again, he has to be more than a friend because friends with benefits has long ago played out for me. No fringe bennies without earning them–and it costs to be the boss; that requires a serious commitment. I’m going somewhere with this, so just bear with me.

As much as I like kissing, I require exclusivity. The type of exclusivity I desire can only be found in a relationship. In order for me to have the kind of relationship I want, I have to become vulnerable. In being vulnerable, I also have to be able to accept someone else’s vulnerabilities. That is going to require sacrifice, and am I ready for that? I’m using “I,” but I mean this generally. Most of us want intimacy and a real relationship with someone without realizing that to have that will be just like asking God for patience; you’re aided in the lesson by experiencing situations that will teach you what you say you want.

So, you say you want a relationship and you want whom God has for you. In anticipation, you believe that as long as the person is God-sent, you can deal with whatever comes. Can you really? If you don’t rush and circumvent the preparation process, you may be ready, but you won’t know until the rubber hits the road. What if you meet the person God has for you, and s/he meets all of your requirements, but the person has some past issues, maybe family or past relationship abuse, that has left him/her emotionally damaged? How vulnerable, how understanding, how patient are you willing to be then? Most of us like to think that we’d be the uber supportive significant other, but the truth is that we really don’t know until we’re in the trenches with someone whose issues may run deep. Can you listen to him tell you about past loves in intimate detail and not judge or get jealous? Can you hold her while she tells you about the sorry excuse who violated her or the time that she may have violated someone else? I know we all want to say yes, but to desire the type of relationship that leads to marriage requires real intimacy, real honesty, real understanding, and real forgiveness. God-centered relationships are not for cowards or the faint of heart.

So, I like kissing, and I desire a serious relationship. Am I ready to be emotionally naked and not ashamed? Am I ready to share the details of things I find most shameful? Am I ready to hear and carry in my heart to the altar someone else’s fears, shame, and vulnerability? Can I allow my Superman to let me hold his kryptonite and I not use it against him? Can he trust me with his hurts and shame and I not betray that trust with my girls or my mother? Am I ready to be all sorts of vulnerable and trust someone again without any guarantee that he won’t flake other than my faith that God leads me? My faith in God alone should be enough to secure me, shouldn’t it, but what if “my” ideal is only a part of the path to lead me to God’s ideal and that path demands a little pain? Am I still ready then? Can I accept that each failed relationship is part of a divine design (and not an emotional stop sign) to bring me closer to my destination with the necessary lessons in tow that will help me support my God-sent mate? Can I really handle all of that just to be able to kiss and tell of the grace of God that brought me there?

These are real questions and this is real talk. To be honest, some of it kind of scares me a bit like walking around in an upscale mall with no clothes on. That’s the kind of honesty that’s meant.

I was made to love someone special, someone chosen, someone handpicked by God. I believe I have ample desire, but I may not be as ready as I want to be.

to your regularly scheduled reading: Praise Break!! Here’s the comment I just posted on Dragonfly’s page.

I have to share this with someone. I spent the better part of the day in the hospital. I came in through the ER, and I was admitted for observation of my heart. The devil is a liar!!! I was not in a tolerant mood of any mess and went into worship. I am discharged and at home now instead of remaining for testing as they thought I might. They came back with: I’m not sure what was going on, but it had nothing to do with your heart. PRAISE GOD!!!!! No apologies, Dfly. I just couldn’t keep it to myself, God is so good!!!! The old ladies used to say where I grew up: Ain’t he alright?!!! I have to concur that yes, He is. His mercies are new EVERY morning. I thank you and all others who know the words of prayer who have been interceding on my behalf. Boy, have I got a reason to praise the Lord!!

I’d cut a step if I didn’t have braces on my belly. God is so good I can’t even tell you why. I’m just glad He is because when I think of His goodness it just does something to me inside. See, I get annoyed when people waste energy posting about silly, simple, temporal stuff all the time. There’s a place for that, but if that’s all you can produce, I read “shallow.” Every now and then, you ought to post about things that really matter. I don’t care who dates or sleeps with whom, really. I don’t really want dating advice from someone not in a seriously productive relationship. I don’t someone who doesn’t know Christ to try to tell me about my Savior. I’m going to tell you what matters to me today: your testimony. God has done something miraculous for everyone. Take the time just to reflect on His goodness. Count a few blessings. Name them one by one and see if you don’t feel higher than whatever circumstance you’re dealing with right now. Go on now, get to commenting and naming and claiming your testimony. The Bible says that we overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony. The Blood is secure, so go ahead and stake your claim with your testimonies. I look forward to sharing!

Titled just so because yawning hurts!! Kind of corny, I know, but that was the best I could do.

Uhm, there’s so much I want to post, especially with so much time on my hands, but I got a little pain and discomfort thing going on here. Things have been rough since my mother left. I am dependent on people to pass through and feed me at their convenience. Not working so well. I’m going to spend today coordinating a better plan to help myself. Days 1 and 2 were blissful; now, I feel everything. I have great pain meds but can’t take them without food, and I have to wait on others to find time to stop and feed me. I said I wanted to lose weight, so I guess I shall have whatever I say. Just trying to remain positive.

Well, I owe you all several posts, so I’ll work on my drafts bit by bit and post when I can. I want to begin with relationships and the requirement of sacrifice. In the meantime, I need the rest of you to keep posting regularly. I look forward to the break in my day to see what’s going on with you. As a reminder to myself, I want to write about having twins, home remedies, and writing books, but maybe not in that order and maybe not in total.

Whatever. I think the meds are typing right now.
Tootles, dear ones.

Remember: prayer changes things, and things always change when we pray.

And today I am better than well. I am extremely blessed to have been released within 24 hours after a major procedure. I am up and walking around and functioning on my own with a little assistance. God is GREAT!!!

I’m not sure where this is going to go, but hang in here with me. There’s not much going on in blogland today, and I’m aggravated as a hive of bees.
I’m trying to lower my blood pressure, so I’d better vent quite well right here.

Yesterday I was the embodiment of what not to do. I went to work with no sleep and a tummy that hadn’t seen food in a bit. I was stressed and irritable from an all night ordeal that was horiffic. It involved a rat. Nough said about that. Anyway, a friend of mine suprised me and singlehandedly made it all better. Let’s go back.

We talk regularly, and when he knew I was to have surgery, he made a mental note. Surgery was postponed. I forgot to tell him, and I skipped town. I returned to a gazillion missed calls from him trying to see how I was fairing. I called and explained and we agreed to expedite his doing a group talk for me before my procedure. Yesterday was the day on which we agreed, but I was so preoccupied during the weekend that I failed to email him directions or any necessary information. I left him a voicemail yesterday morning with minimal info asking him to call me, which he did–but he was calling my home phone while I was at work. This angel of a man got on the highway (he lives almost an hour away) and just came to where I work, parked his car, and asked questions until he found exactly where I would be. On my end, I’m thinking, well, I haven’t heard from him, so I’m glad I didn’t tell anyone he was coming. I’ll just see if we can reschedule if he can forgive me for being so unorganized. I walk into the room to see him seated at the front. I hadn’t even told him what to discuss, but he was there and ready. After I picked my face up off the floor, I gave him the biggest hug imagineable.

This was really a big deal and a huge favor because he is a well-known poet, author, speaker, etc. , and he took time out of a very busy schedule that involved making a publishing deadline to be there for me. Have I mentioned that I love him? He is the best. And it didn’t stop there.

I was so appreciative I just wanted to do something for him. When we used to work in the same city, I’d treat him to lunch in exchange for an interview. He always obliged me. I decided I’d show him a little bit of my new city and take him to a spot off the beaten path. This was after he waited two hours for me to get off work. We went to this really cool restaurant in a quaint area. We had the best creative conversation, and he ended up treating me. I was like, you’re helping me out–a lot–so please let me get the check. He refused and cited my stressed state as his reason. After dinner we went to a discount bookstore across the street. I made a mental note of the books he likes so I can do a really nice gift basket as a thank you for his favor. Did I mention that there was no compensation for his coming?

Since he’d been trying to get by to see my house for at least a year, we took a ride by there and did a quick tour. He was so gracious that he even waited with me until my overnight guest could get there because I was still a little frazzled. Did I mention he had a deadline to meet that was that day and it was already night?

Of the people that I call friends, I seem to attract the very best. Even my acquaintances are pretty sharp, caring, and savvy people. I ain’t mad about the birds of a feather adage because this guy is the kind of friend that I am. No, we are not involved but just professional friends/colleagues, which is why I didn’t expect so much from him. I know how he treats his friends because I read his work. I just didn’t know we were there, and I don’ t know why I didn’t know that because we’ve been communicating through the illness and death of his mom, the sickness of my dad, and a myriad of other personal professional concerns. Anyway, once again, I’m blessed to have another beautiful man in my life.

On a side but related note, I do have quite a few professional acquaintances and friends in the literary world who are well known in and outside of their circles. I guess that’s no accident since I once aspired (and I guess still do) to be a full-time writer. God is giving me big nudges. One of the authors said she’d do a blurb for me when I decide to publish, and she as a rule does not do blurbs or promote other authors’ works. I think God is trying to tell me something. One day I’ll give you guys some samples as I don’t typically post creative work here. This space is really for venting and clearing my head so I can be free to create without luggage in my brain.

Okay, without even discussing my annoyances, I feel better!!! Who says writing isn’t therapeutic? No one, I hope. I totally reversed a negative feeling by focusing on the positive. Wish more people would try it, but wait, I gotta give you this one peeve of mine. Why do people go to the wrong folks for advice? Like, why would you get financial advice from someone who’s broke, or why would you buy a house from a realtor who doesn’t own one? Why would you seek relationship advice from someone not in or who may never have been in a healthy relationship? Why would you seek celibacy advice from a promiscuous girl or vegan diet advice from a carnivore? Some things just don’t make sense even though I know you can learn a lot from a dummy, so I guess all things really are possible, and you can find wisdom in the oddest of places. Oh, well. Whatever.

Ciao!!