Days of My Life

“I Almost Let Go”–Kurt Carr and the Kurt Carr Singers

I almost let go.
I felt like I just couldn’t take life anymore.
My problems had me bound
Depression weighed me down.
But God held me close, so I wouldn’t let go.
God’s mercy kept me, so I wouldn’t let go.

I almost gave up.
I was right at the edge of a breakthrough but couldn’t see it
The devil really had me;
but Jesus came and grabbed me,
And He held me close,
So I wouldn’t let go.
God’s mercy kept me,
so I wouldn’t let go.

So I’m here today because God kept me.
I’m alive today,
only because of His grace.
Oh, He Kept me,
God Kept me,
He kept me,
So I wouldn’t let go.

Lead:
I almost Let go.
I felt like I just couldn’t take life any more,
My problems had me bound,
depression weighed me down,
God held me close
So I wouldn’t let go.
God’s mercy kept me,
so I wouldn’t let go.

So I’m here today because God kept me.
I’m alive today, only because of His grace.
Oh, He Kept me, God Kept me, He kept me, So I wouldn’t let go

Several months ago, it became abundantly clear to me that I would need to have a surgery that I’d tried desperately to avoid. The time is here. I went in for a pre-op visit two days ago, and the doctor was unable to complete the visit after one test. I had an abnormal EKG, and my pressure was up. I don’t have high blood pressure, nor do I have a history of heart disease. In fact, I have no family medical history because I’m an adoptee. What exactly was wrong with my heart, I don’t know. The doctor started speaking in very calming tones and trying to assure me that all would be well, that he could clear me for surgery after a few more tests on my heart that I haven’t had yet. I snapped at him when he asked me if I was stressed. That pretty much answered his question.

I’ve known for a while now that something other than the matter for which I’m having surgery was wrong. I could feel it. I told those closest to me several weeks ago that I thought I’d blacked out a few times at home, but since I was in my bed already, it’s hard to tell. They were all pretty much patronizing and thought I was just tired because I have been running like the Energizer Bunny. I’ve been taking care of everyone around me, and although I know that they appreciate it, there is no one to take care of me but me. I’ve been overextended.

I have no close family here. I have people who care but not many who care in the “let me re-arrange my schedule and get there” way that I tend to extend myself to other people. My best friend has asked me to be there physically for her before (we live miles apart), and I don’t go because she has a husband who can be there. Only my parents and my sister will be there for me at the drop of a dime, and right now, my mom has her hands full with my dad. In fact, she won’t even be here for the surgery. She’s sending my godparents up here, which is the next best thing, really. I have six to eight weeks of recovery and not one person who can care for me for that length of time, so I’ve tried to make a schedule of friends to cover the first two weeks at least. With the added complication of the heart thing, it just all seems too much to put on a collection of disparate friends/associates. I am in the process now of trying to figure out how I can travel back home after the surgery to do my recovery there. I can only hope that the doctor will clear me for travel.

This is not the first time I’ve had to have serious conversations with physicians who try to speak very delicately about something serious. I’ve done this with my foot. Vital organs are a somewhat different matter, but the same amount of faith corrects both. God healed me before, and He can do it again. I have no doubt about that. In fact, I believe that he already has and that the next battery of tests on my heart will be normal. What we’re left to fight on earth is really the good fight of faith. If we have a defeated foe, and we do, then all that’s left for us to do is to believe that God really is who He says He is. That’s where the faith comes in because believing is far more difficult than most believe. It can be really hard not to look at circumstances and test results.

I’ve been saying for the past year that I need a vacation. I haven’t had one since ‘06, and I believe that they’re absolutely vital to one’s physical and mental health. My vacation time has been occupied by my father, who is now worried about me. I’ve been crying out for help for a while now, and none but Jesus has heard me. The two places where I’ve carried my stress are where I’m now ailing. I’ve got to let some stuff go. But instead, “I” almost let go.

A week or so ago I contacted the social worker who initially handled my search for my biological mother. I was trying to find a way that contact could be made so I could get information that would lead me to the biological brother who was given up four years before me. Yesteday the social worker called and said her hands were tied. There was not much she could do since the egg donor stated several years ago that she desired no contact. I had a feeling that would be her response, so I thanked her and let that avenue of finding him go.

This morning I woke up feeling less stressed after attending intercessory prayer last night. I really didn’t feel stressed at all. That should have been the beginning of a very good day, but it wasn’t. So powerful are our spirits that some people die because they just lose the will to live. I found mine slipping. I knew that my physical health would depend on a positive mental outlook and a belief that I have some special purpose to live for. All I could think was that I’m about to engage in another fight of my life, and for what? So I can get better and go back to the same old life of work and bills? I couldn’t think of one thing outside of having a relationship with God (why isn’t that enough?) that’s personally fulfilling enough for me to make me want to stay here. I felt like I needed to decide if I wanted to fight or not.

I have no husband or children to tie me to this place. This may sound strange, but all the love in the world that was solely just for me was bound up in my little pup who went on last year. I don’t even have a serious love interest at this point, not one who loves me back. Everyone else who is important to me I felt sure would be just fine because they all have someone else–not necessarily a spouse or a child, but a person who’s a reason for being. My parents are usually mine. Although they would be heart-broken beyond words, they would eventually be fine or very shortly join me. As all of these thoughts flooded my mind, I just spoke to God and cried. I cried all the tears that have for months been too afraid to come.

These were my thoughts to God: I know I bring joy to the lives of others in a way that only I can, but God is great. He can design someone else to do that. My praise is special. Well, I can praise Him just as well face-to-face. I can provide joy and comfort, but nothing in my life is doing the same for me. I know, I know, the joy of the Lord is my strength. I didn’t say I wasn’t strong. Trying to be so darn strong (using my own strength) is what got me in this mess. I should’ve tried God’s all along because only His is made perfect in weakness. Well, I thought I did, but I didn’t. So, dear God, like the Tracy Chapman song, give me one reason to stay here, and I’ll turn right back around.

This was His response: My cell phone rang. “Unavailable” came up, and I thought for a fleeting second that it was the social worker but dismissed the thought since we’d concluded our affairs. The voice on the other line said, “This is Social Worker. I’ve tried to retrace our steps and see if we’ve missed anything. We have no adoption records for your brother, but I’ve contacted vital records to see if we can find another birth record with your ‘egg donor’s’ name. I don’t know if anything will come up, and it may take several weeks, but I’ll call you.” I thanked her and hung up. Then I just broke down in tears and knew I had to write. God had just given me ONE REASON. I don’t know what the results will be, but God gave me hope. And just moments before, “I Almost Let Go.”

Disclaimer: I am NOT suicidal. I don’t do that. This is solely about the will to live. DO NOT leave me any ant-suicide messages. I’m anti too. Thank you.

Now, I’ve got to get on with my day. I have too much to fight to live for. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!