After a long day of testing yesterday, which went very smoothly I might add, I flew home this morning to see my family. I should get my results within 2-14 days. Who ever heard of such a lengthy time frame?!
My parents feel better when they can see my face. I’ve just spent the better part of the 3 1/2 hours I’ve been here driving Mr. Daisy (my dad) to check out all his friends from when he used to work. He wanted me to know that he has plenty of errands to run on a regular basis. I reall think he just likes to get out of the house, and he loves for people to buy him things now. He’s spoiled rotten. I love it!! Well, sometimes. Glad he’s here though.
Anyway, I have to find a charger so I can finish this a bit later. Something’s on my mind that I want some feedback on.
Peace.
Today my cup runneth over as I am absolutely full of just about every emotion there is. I’m listening to “Here I Am to Worship” by Michael Smith, and I am so full—not really understanding why such a perfect God could or should be so absolutely in love with me. And I know right well that he loves me. He absolutely loves me.
About 3 months ago, my father gave his life to Christ after a long career of being the opposite of a God-chaser. Shortly thereafter, he almost lost his life, but God graced him with more days.
Three days ago I should have gone into surgery, but right after I completed my pre-admission interview, my primary doc called and said he couldn’t clear me. This was AFTER he’d just told me the day before that he was faxing over the paperwork to clear me right then and that he would send the results from latest heart test when they came in. I had one good test and one bad one, so this third test was to confirm the good one. It didn’t. When he called, the doc said there was a possibility my heart might not be able to withstand anesthesia. He needed to run more tests to be sure, not wanting to jump to conclusions and all, you know, being thorough. I almost did a D. West and tried to convince him to let me proceed, but he was emphatic about his “no.” Hmmph!!
It took me about 36 hours to regain my mental footing because that news came from nowhere, and my social worker had called after the doc and said she’d found no news that could help me with my search. What a whirlwind of emotions I felt at one time. It felt like my world was moving but my feet were still. There were two phone calls I had to make that filled me with dread. I had to call my mom and my friend. Mom had a catch in her voice when I told her the news. My friend was glad that I told him. My dad tried to be his usual strong self but was concerned as well.
Yesterday morning I called my dad and reminded him that I’d asked him to go to church and ask his friend, the preacher, to say a prayer for me. (I know right well that God will answer my prayers, but my dad needs a chance to exercise his faith too.) He still isn’t too hot about going to a church. He told me he’d already taken care of it. He asked one of our cousins to pray for me, and he had Momma verify that he’d told her to call the preacher. After all, the preacher makes house calls and he can stop by and say a prayer when I come home. The part that made me laugh though is when he said, “And I tell you what, I’M going to pray for you, and when I pray for you, God is going to dispatch 100,000 angels and they gone come and take care of it, and you gone pull right through. You just gotta have faith. That’s the only reason I’m here today, cause I got faith. Everything gone be alright. Just trust Daddy and have faith.” I.was.floored. My cousin said it best: “That truly is a Resurrection Day miracle if God can do that with a reprobate mind.” I was shocked and tickled at the same time. There was nothing else to say after that. Guess I’ll just have to trust God and walk in faith! 
On another note:
I’ve discovered that still waters really do run deep. Just because someone or something appears to be one way (still) doesn’t mean that there’s not more to them than what you see. Often the “more” is actually just more to love–flaws and all.
Tomorrow: I shall have an upbeat, political, or more overtly humorous piece. I traverse to the doc for yet more testing. Que sera sera.
*Hugs to you all.*
Have I told you lately how GREAT God is? Well, then, we are overdue.
“How Great is Our God”-performed by Hillsong (London)
The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end
The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb
Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Dear A, formerly NLC,
It’s me, Candy Doggy. Occassionally, we’re allowed to communicate with you guys down there, and since you couldn’t seem to catch my messages in your dreams, I had to find another way.
Everything will be just fine. I’m right here barking for you, and no one has been able to shut me up. I saw you looking at our pictures–keep holding my memory near. You can’t see it, but a better love is just around the corner from you. Keep living, okay? You get more years than I do, so don’t waste a single one.
I’ll meet you again in your dreams. I’ll be the one licking your face. Don’t swat too hard, okay. I love you and I miss you too. You were the best a lady doggy could ever hope for.
Wags, barks, and kisses,
Candy
“I Almost Let Go”–Kurt Carr and the Kurt Carr Singers
I almost let go.
I felt like I just couldn’t take life anymore.
My problems had me bound
Depression weighed me down.
But God held me close, so I wouldn’t let go.
God’s mercy kept me, so I wouldn’t let go.
I almost gave up.
I was right at the edge of a breakthrough but couldn’t see it
The devil really had me;
but Jesus came and grabbed me,
And He held me close,
So I wouldn’t let go.
God’s mercy kept me,
so I wouldn’t let go.
So I’m here today because God kept me.
I’m alive today,
only because of His grace.
Oh, He Kept me,
God Kept me,
He kept me,
So I wouldn’t let go.
Lead:
I almost Let go.
I felt like I just couldn’t take life any more,
My problems had me bound,
depression weighed me down,
God held me close
So I wouldn’t let go.
God’s mercy kept me,
so I wouldn’t let go.
So I’m here today because God kept me.
I’m alive today, only because of His grace.
Oh, He Kept me, God Kept me, He kept me, So I wouldn’t let go
Several months ago, it became abundantly clear to me that I would need to have a surgery that I’d tried desperately to avoid. The time is here. I went in for a pre-op visit two days ago, and the doctor was unable to complete the visit after one test. I had an abnormal EKG, and my pressure was up. I don’t have high blood pressure, nor do I have a history of heart disease. In fact, I have no family medical history because I’m an adoptee. What exactly was wrong with my heart, I don’t know. The doctor started speaking in very calming tones and trying to assure me that all would be well, that he could clear me for surgery after a few more tests on my heart that I haven’t had yet. I snapped at him when he asked me if I was stressed. That pretty much answered his question.
I’ve known for a while now that something other than the matter for which I’m having surgery was wrong. I could feel it. I told those closest to me several weeks ago that I thought I’d blacked out a few times at home, but since I was in my bed already, it’s hard to tell. They were all pretty much patronizing and thought I was just tired because I have been running like the Energizer Bunny. I’ve been taking care of everyone around me, and although I know that they appreciate it, there is no one to take care of me but me. I’ve been overextended.
I have no close family here. I have people who care but not many who care in the “let me re-arrange my schedule and get there” way that I tend to extend myself to other people. My best friend has asked me to be there physically for her before (we live miles apart), and I don’t go because she has a husband who can be there. Only my parents and my sister will be there for me at the drop of a dime, and right now, my mom has her hands full with my dad. In fact, she won’t even be here for the surgery. She’s sending my godparents up here, which is the next best thing, really. I have six to eight weeks of recovery and not one person who can care for me for that length of time, so I’ve tried to make a schedule of friends to cover the first two weeks at least. With the added complication of the heart thing, it just all seems too much to put on a collection of disparate friends/associates. I am in the process now of trying to figure out how I can travel back home after the surgery to do my recovery there. I can only hope that the doctor will clear me for travel.
This is not the first time I’ve had to have serious conversations with physicians who try to speak very delicately about something serious. I’ve done this with my foot. Vital organs are a somewhat different matter, but the same amount of faith corrects both. God healed me before, and He can do it again. I have no doubt about that. In fact, I believe that he already has and that the next battery of tests on my heart will be normal. What we’re left to fight on earth is really the good fight of faith. If we have a defeated foe, and we do, then all that’s left for us to do is to believe that God really is who He says He is. That’s where the faith comes in because believing is far more difficult than most believe. It can be really hard not to look at circumstances and test results.
I’ve been saying for the past year that I need a vacation. I haven’t had one since ‘06, and I believe that they’re absolutely vital to one’s physical and mental health. My vacation time has been occupied by my father, who is now worried about me. I’ve been crying out for help for a while now, and none but Jesus has heard me. The two places where I’ve carried my stress are where I’m now ailing. I’ve got to let some stuff go. But instead, “I” almost let go.
A week or so ago I contacted the social worker who initially handled my search for my biological mother. I was trying to find a way that contact could be made so I could get information that would lead me to the biological brother who was given up four years before me. Yesteday the social worker called and said her hands were tied. There was not much she could do since the egg donor stated several years ago that she desired no contact. I had a feeling that would be her response, so I thanked her and let that avenue of finding him go.
This morning I woke up feeling less stressed after attending intercessory prayer last night. I really didn’t feel stressed at all. That should have been the beginning of a very good day, but it wasn’t. So powerful are our spirits that some people die because they just lose the will to live. I found mine slipping. I knew that my physical health would depend on a positive mental outlook and a belief that I have some special purpose to live for. All I could think was that I’m about to engage in another fight of my life, and for what? So I can get better and go back to the same old life of work and bills? I couldn’t think of one thing outside of having a relationship with God (why isn’t that enough?) that’s personally fulfilling enough for me to make me want to stay here. I felt like I needed to decide if I wanted to fight or not.
I have no husband or children to tie me to this place. This may sound strange, but all the love in the world that was solely just for me was bound up in my little pup who went on last year. I don’t even have a serious love interest at this point, not one who loves me back. Everyone else who is important to me I felt sure would be just fine because they all have someone else–not necessarily a spouse or a child, but a person who’s a reason for being. My parents are usually mine. Although they would be heart-broken beyond words, they would eventually be fine or very shortly join me. As all of these thoughts flooded my mind, I just spoke to God and cried. I cried all the tears that have for months been too afraid to come.
These were my thoughts to God: I know I bring joy to the lives of others in a way that only I can, but God is great. He can design someone else to do that. My praise is special. Well, I can praise Him just as well face-to-face. I can provide joy and comfort, but nothing in my life is doing the same for me. I know, I know, the joy of the Lord is my strength. I didn’t say I wasn’t strong. Trying to be so darn strong (using my own strength) is what got me in this mess. I should’ve tried God’s all along because only His is made perfect in weakness. Well, I thought I did, but I didn’t. So, dear God, like the Tracy Chapman song, give me one reason to stay here, and I’ll turn right back around.
This was His response: My cell phone rang. “Unavailable” came up, and I thought for a fleeting second that it was the social worker but dismissed the thought since we’d concluded our affairs. The voice on the other line said, “This is Social Worker. I’ve tried to retrace our steps and see if we’ve missed anything. We have no adoption records for your brother, but I’ve contacted vital records to see if we can find another birth record with your ‘egg donor’s’ name. I don’t know if anything will come up, and it may take several weeks, but I’ll call you.” I thanked her and hung up. Then I just broke down in tears and knew I had to write. God had just given me ONE REASON. I don’t know what the results will be, but God gave me hope. And just moments before, “I Almost Let Go.”
Disclaimer: I am NOT suicidal. I don’t do that. This is solely about the will to live. DO NOT leave me any ant-suicide messages. I’m anti too. Thank you.
Now, I’ve got to get on with my day. I have too much to fight to live for. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!
