I’ve been called this word more times than I care to recall, and I still don’t understand why.
I think that impatient with stupidity would be a more accurate description.
Example 1: My girl calls me after she finds out that my brother, who she has a thing for, is now engaged. She begins to whine about how she’s depressed and her life is miserable without ever acknowledging the real reason she’s acting out. She goes on about how she never should have moved from where she lived seversl years ago where her suitors were wealthy, powerful, and oh, so into her. She tells me how she has enough insurance money from an accident to buy a new car without debt but is upset because what she can afford is not her “dream” car, and woe is her. I guess she did not consider the fact that she could be without a car altogether. And oh, her daddy doesn’t love her because although he provided for she and her brother as a single parent he didn’t take the time to tell her he loved her and hug her regularly when her now 30-something self was then 5 years old. At some point, she must have mentioned suicide because I distinctly recall telling her to make sure she takes out a life insurance policy and names me as the beneficiary. I then went down a catalog list of reasons why her tirade was ridiculous.
Insensitive? I think not. Anyone really wanting to commit suicide knows not to call me. She just wanted attention, as do many of my high drama friends who take the route. Does that mean that I don’t care about her? Absolutely not. And if she had a justifiable reason for being depressed, I not only would have listened but helped her get some help. But alas, I’m labeled insensitive by the friends who overheard the situation. Of the three of them, let me tell you what they base their perceptions on.
Friend #1: Her parents are along in age with my grandmother even though she and I are the same age. She was a late in life baby, so many of her relatives have always been much older. Therefore, her family has what would seem to someone our age to be a disproportionate number of funerals. She used to travel to most or all of them. At various points, I would wonder aloud if she wasn’t tired of running home to all these funerals for various people, many of whom she didn’t even know well or at all. What am I? Insensitive.
Also, she was friends to this couple from college, and when things went south, she was the shoulder to cry on for the guy. She became the rebound girl who took he and his child in and made an insta-family. She rearranged her life to create a family with this guy. She quit her job under the pretext of impending nuptials. After the rebound was successful, said guy tells her he doesn’t want he anymore, even though he still lives in her house where they shared expenses. He decides to stay in the house until he finds another place but wants nothing to do with her. She allows it. She cries, gets upset, begs, pleads, schemes ways to get him to stay. Doesn’t work. He leaves. Eventually, he goes back to the wife. She’s depressed and still moaning over him. I mean, she’d decorated a room for his child, starting paying for the child’s daycare, and pretty much acting like she had the family she wanted them to be. Now, when I point out how she set herself up for this and should cut her losses, be thankful, and move on, she told me she couldn’t discuss the subject with me because I didn’t understand. I was simply relieved that I wouldn’t have to hear about it anymore because it all wreaked of foolishness. While I understand that we all make foolish mistakes, once someone points out an error to you, you should make it a point to correct it no matter how difficult the task may be. When she was finally ready to move on, she had to come back and thank me for being honest with her.
Honesty is the one quality that my friends value most in me, but it is also the same one that they despise. Go figure.
Associate #2: He has this project chick that he loves to slum with and string along. He baits the carrot of marriage in front of her and allows her to think that maybe one day he, she, and her unruly child will make a family. His girl has gone so far as to call Friend #1 above at work to try to find out what he does in his spare time. She may be a bit “extra,” but the way he treats her is no less tolerable. She’s basically just his piece he uses to meet his needs. So, how, I ask you, can I take him seriously when I’m told he wants to date me? He even went fishing and caught my favorite fish. Nice gesture, but his other actions speak just as loud as this one aside from the fact that he just isn’t my type. In case you want to know what that is, my type doesn’t still live with momma and daddy in the 30something age group in a situation where the man has no real job to speak of and momma and daddy are taking care of him while he pursues no higher aspirations. He already knows I don’t do nonsense. So, there should have been no surprise when he comes in complaining about his girl that I tell him to leave her alone if he doesn’t really want her. He blames her for causing stress and drama in his life. Interpretation: messing up his other attempts to “get some.” IMO, he can’t blame her for being what she is, especially when he’s contributed to it. How dare I call him out on his mess and use some choice adjectives to do so. Know what I was labeled? You guessed it.
Friend #3: She may have the only semi-valid point, but let’s see what you think. She comes from a small family close-knit, though disfunctional family, and I’ve known most of them for several years now. I even stayed with her immediate family for a few months when I was trying to sell my house. I got to know everyone fairly well. Her mom is a good friend of mine. So, at the beginning of her second semester of college, her mom’s sister, her aunt, dies. She’d been sick for a long time but functioning well with her illness. She goes into the hospital one trip and doesn’t make it out. She was the first sibling of her set to die, leaving behind her mother, her adult children, young grandchildren and her other siblings and nieces and nephews. The death actually occurred on my friend’s 21st birthday, and her mom called to make sure I was with her before she informed her. I told her we were at dinner celebrating her birthday and thought it best if she could wait until we at least got home. She agreed that would probably be best. You see, I lost someone very close to me the day before my birthday once, and because of the way I was told, I didn’t celebrate my day again for almost 10 years. I didn’t want my friend to have a similar experience, especially on a birthday that meant so much to her.
Once she found out, she was ready to go. I was on crutches with a cast on my foot, so I couldn’t drive her home. Her mom bought her a train ticket, so I bought one and traveled too. I went to the funeral and everything, but before we left to do that, I made sure we had a conversation. Understanding the levels of drama her family is prone to, I told her I was sorry for her loss and tended to be rather numb to death in general at times. This was the first family member she’d ever lost, and I’ve lost enough close members in various unpleasant ways to form a small chorus. I’m familiar with death. I gave her what I thought was the best advice anyone had given me after one of the hardest losses of my life. I told her to mourn and cry all she wanted then and for the next 30 days but not to let the moping and sadness linger after that because then it just became self -pity that really was not about the person she’d lost. I knew that the grieving process is made easier when you can focus on the best times you’ve shared with the person and the memories you can capture and hold. I knew times of sadness would come periodically, but I encouraged her not to dwell in them longer than necessary. She’d have to push herself beyond them. More specifically, she was poised to flunk her whole second semester of college if she couldn’t find a way to pull her emotions in quickly. She was already missing the entire first week of school, which may as well be a month. I was in her life to help her maintain balance. Maybe for obvious reasons, she didn’t appreciate my advice. She became mean and snappy for weeks until she realized how distant I’d become. When we finally discussed it, she told me that my timing was not so good and that she thought I had been…..insensitive. I guess traveling with her and missing a week out of school myself was just as insensitive, if not more.
People tend to judge me by instances instead of looking at the scope of our relationships. And if I wanted to be a jerk, I could label THAT “insensitive.” But since tit-for-tat is not the most important thing, I will say that my ability to look at things that don’t effect me directly (and sometimes those that do) in a level-headed and clear manner is one of the attributes that I admire most about myself. Also, it further underscores the fact that common sense, all too often, just isn’t that common.
Yet, I ask those who feel I’m so insensitive, “Why do you tolerate such insensitivity and continue to interact with me?” I’ll tell you why. You know that I’m really not insensitive at all. In fact, my sensitivity to individual situations is why I even bother to offer my insight at all. AND at the end of the day, you really thank me.